http://freaks.davezilla.com/index.php An online resource to identifying American Freaks Wed, 18 Sep 2002 23:46:33 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss092 freakwatchers@davezilla.com freakwatchers@davezilla.com en Common Names: Warlock | Dutchie Scientific Name: Spinaciae obesa Geographical Range: Royal Oak Age: 27 Description: As geeks go, the Dutch Warlock is really something special. Not only does this geek believe itself to be a real warlock, capable of nasty spellwork and powerful incantations, it dresses like a complete buffoon. No one is quite sure what possesses the Warlock to believe that Warlocks dress like a Dutch kitchen maid. Unlike most geeks, which remain essentially genderless and virginal, the Dutchie is a true hermaphrodite, complete with a full beard and huge set of cans. Habits: My, what a busy little beaver our Dutchie is! [Well, we’re not sure what its genitalia actually are.] It starts its day by waking up at the crack of noon. Dutchies love breakfast and kick off with a healthy breakfast of sugar-coated cereal, upon which it adds another 1/2 cup of sugar. This is washed down with Pepsi, Jolt, chocolate milk, Pop-Tarts and several dozen Tootsie-Rolls. Then it’s off to the telelvision where it spends the next several hours gaming and watching reruns of Dr. Who, X-Men Evolution and Thunderbirds. By 3pm, the lumbering Warlock decides to show up at work, where it pretends to be an IT professional. Secretly, it is working on spells in its mind, One to destroy the boss. One to get the hottie in marketing to stop spitting on him when he suggests a movie. Finally, one to destroy all the fratboys who beat him up each Friday night. http://freaks.davezilla.com/index.php?p=75&c=1 Common Names: The Royal Orc Scientific Name: Rectus sudorificus Geographical Range: Royal Oak Age: Old enough to frighten children and goats Description: A massive, agrestic beast, the Royal Orc is endemic to Royal Oak, although similar species exist in most countries. The Royal Orc is easily the largest of the Orc and Troll family. Adults often weigh as much as 2.3 metric tons. Look for a pronounced abdomen, seven chins and and quadriceps that would make an Allosaurus jealous. Females, such as the one pictured, have pendulous breasts, the size of Basset Hounds, that point straight to Hell. Habits: Royal Orcs have two goals in life and are unstoppable in reaching them.Finding an abundant and reliable supply of food.Preventing anyone from getting in its way during the feeding frenzy.Perhaps a further explanation is in order at this point. The astute Freak Watcher will be puzzling over my use of “feeding frenzy” with a solitary species. Normally, I would agree and commend you on your powers of observation. However, the sheer size and greed of this voracious beast makes it a one-orc feeding frenzy. No other creature, not piranhas, blue sharks nor locusts, can match the Royal Orc in an all-out glutfest. Pound for pound it consumes more food than a common shrew, although it lacks the tiny mammal’s metabolism. http://freaks.davezilla.com/index.php?p=74&c=1 Common Names: Rabid Fan Scientific Name: Perspiratus horribilus Geographical Range: Anywhere crowds gather Age: 17-50 Description: The Rabid Fan is a heavy-bodied, carnivorous marmot. A holdover from the Pleistocene, Rabid Fans are able to walk upright like the Giant Sloth [Megatherium]. Most marmots are seed-eaters. The Rabid Fan, being primarily carnivorous, has a staple diet of chili dogs, cheap burritos, warm beer, nachos, Sno-Cones, red licorice, Frozen Cokes, pistachios and Orange Circus Peanuts. Look for a pronounced belly, and tiny, pig-like eyes. The back is protected by a luxrious pelt. The paws have modified stubby toes that it uses to grasp its food in a manner similar to primates. Habits: Eating, belching, screaming for the local team, belly-painting, public exhibitionism, farting and attending Belly Flop Competitions [which it excels at]. http://freaks.davezilla.com/index.php?p=72&c=1 Common Names: Bradley | Bandana Man Scientific Name: Exaggeratus gollumii Geographical Range: Greater Royal Oak, Prison Age: Not applicable to Orcs Description: Few visages strike more fear in the hearts of Royal Oakers than the dread face of Bradley, the Bandana Man. Children are taught never to say his name five times, lest they conjure him up. Bradley dresses in rags and leather, often wrapping his entire body in colored bandanas. He has a thick, woolly beard filled with twigs, paper, tobacco and various arthropods. He carries “poetry” with him at all times. His clothes smell foul, his booming croaking voice, inescapable. Habits:Expect to be handed several greasy pamphlets and drawings, that he has copied at the library. He may be the only known Orc who enjoys publishing. Generally these pamphlets consist of the ramblings of a deranged mind, similar in tone to the writings of Manson or Shakes the Clown. He needs help. Don’t bother offering it; the Bradley is homeless by choice. He thinks women find it sexy and heroic. Most women are knocked off their feet by the Bradley, not by his rakish charm, rather by his corpse-like odor. Standing within ten feet of the Bradley is akin to being buried in a tomb with 37 dead manatees. Photo by Sam Beckett http://freaks.davezilla.com/index.php?p=73&c=1 Common Names: The Zug Scientific Name: Fornicatus impossibilum Geographical Range: Kentucky Fried Chicken Age: 33 Description: One of Royal Oak's rarest creatures, the Zug is a nocturnal beast that works the evening shift at KFC. Adult Zugs resemble the young Zug pups. So much so that telling an immature Zug apart from an adult Zug is nearly impossible. Habits: Enjoys reading sci-fi novels and comic books. The Zug will then fantasize about being the hero in the comic book as the Zug has no redeeming features or qualities itself. Zugs are incapable of reproduction or even attracting a mate. Therefore, a great mystery is before us. How does the Zug mate? Spontaneous Generation is one theory. Another is bad luck. http://freaks.davezilla.com/index.php?p=71&c=1 Common Name: Galactic Space Yeti Scientific Name: Homo galacticus Geographical Range: Starbucks | Alpha Centuari Age: 4,000 Earth years Description: Over two meters (approx. 6' 7") tall, covered with dense brown fur. The Space Yeti has long claws filed to razor-sharp points, neatly polished with a clear gloss. Habits: An intelligent primate, far more intelligent than Homo sapiens. The Space Yeti landed in our star system several centuries ago. After consulting with his galactic overlords, it was decided by the "High Council of Elders" that he should stay and learn our customs and encourage human evolution. He has easily mastered our primitive language, suffered through our meaningless wars, cried over our devastated rain forests and enjoyed plenty of Starbucks coffee. We got all of this first hand, so it must be true. http://freaks.davezilla.com/index.php?p=70&c=1 Common Names: White Rasta Scientific Name: Caucasius cannibus Geographical Range: Most of the Midwest Age: Early 20s Description: White Rastas are generally short, anorexic pot smokers. Shampoo is unknown among their kind and they sport some of the filthiest manes of any mammals. While both sexes of White Rasta exist, they are indistinguishable when clothed. They both have thick dreads, scruffy beards, rainbow-striped crocheted hats and sunken chests. Most enjoy mating with members of the Rainbow tribes and the Deadheads. They are the last vestiges of a dying race of hippie-like primates. Zoologists classify them as a lesser strain of Capuchin monkey. Habits: The principal differences between the Capuchin and the White Rasta are the preening habits. Capuchins regularly clean each others fur, removing dirt, lice and fleas. White Rastas also pick at each others fur, but instead of cleaning out parasites, they are merely searching for a possible leftover spleef. The majority of their day is spent smoking bongs and stealing CDs which they resell to record stores the next day as used. The diet of the White Rasta is comprised entirely of Taco Bell and Colombian pot during the warm summer months. During the colder winter season, they migrate south, following the reggae tours and subsisting on Pop Tarts and homegrown "creeper weed." http://freaks.davezilla.com/index.php?p=69&c=1 Common Names: Val Scientific Name: Odorosum impossiblium Geographical Range: Greater Royal Oak Age: Mid 40s Description: A dangerous ugly creature, the Val defends itself with a markedly strong body odor and ferocious roar. It is often seen stripping in public to display its unattractive, warped thorax. Clothing is ragged, garish and mildewed. Habits: Enjoys inflicting suffering on others, screaming at other freaks, particularly other females. It is the mortal enemy of the Man O' God and will make every effort to attack and defend territory against any encroachment. Stay clear of this deadly beast. http://freaks.davezilla.com/index.php?p=68&c=1 Common Name: Urban Faery Scientific Name: Urbis phasma Geographical Range: Greater Royal Oak Age: 2,200 years Description: Resembling the forest and garden faeries in most respects, Urban Faeries are kin to the fabled Daoine Sidhe. Physically they resemble any faery you'd expect to see outdoors, should you be dancing in a mushroom ring on Midsummer night, but there the resemblance ends. Urban Faeries adopt modern garb, being particularly drawn to spandex and lycra for some unknown reason. They also enjoy garish colors and silly lingerie. Habits: The Urban Faery has adapted well to co-habitation with humans. Many try hard to blend in and pass themselves off as human, however, the gossamer wings and butterflies that accompany them are often a dead give-away as to their true nature. Being faeries, they are of a capricious nature, and will either help you or harm you. The trickery of Urban Faeries have also adapted to the surroundings. Having no cows to dry up, the Faery will use pranks more fitting our society: delaying paychecks, deflating tires before vacations, pulling down zippers seconds before a corporate meeting. http://freaks.davezilla.com/index.php?p=67&c=1 Common Name: Ugly Jack Scientific Name: Phantasma nervosa Geographical Range: Greater Royal Oak Age: 170 Description: Possibly the ugliest biped known. Yetis run in fear when they catch a glimpse of his crimson cowboy boots. These boots are the most noticeable feature on the Ugly Jack. That is, until you catch a glimpse of that mirror-shattering, soul-destroying, child-scaring face. A visage of absolute evil. Steven King and Clive Barker have been known to stop in Royal Oak to look at Jack for inspiration. Ugly has a face, and it's name is Jack. Habits: Strutting in his sassy, red cowboy boots is what makes Ugly Jack a happy freak. Strutting and looking ugly. This, of course he cannot help. Or can he? The Ugly Jack is actually the archenemy of the Noel. Great battles have been fought between the two. We recently were told of a fight between these two mortal enemies. Apparently Noel accused Ugly Jack of stealing his medicine and began delivering a succession of near fatal blows to Ugly Jack's face. The Ugly Jack believes himself to be a local legend. He may be, but only in the way that a rabid pitbull is. A rabid, ugly pitbull that has been dipped in battery acid and fed ground glass and ammonia. http://freaks.davezilla.com/index.php?p=66&c=1