Common Name: Oak Princess, Princess of Royal Oak
Scientific Name: Regina nullus
Geographic Range: Downtown Royal Oak. Thought to be homeless, but in fact, has money and a laptop.

Description: A disheveled, scrawny thing, the princess has seen better days. She is, as the kids say, "rode hard". From all outward appearances, the Princess appears to be just another blue collar woman, possibly a factory worker. Ocassioanlly, she looks to be a homeless vagabond; othertimes, a yuppie with a fairly new laptop. This lends one to believe that she is in alignment with the Hermit card of the Tarot. Mythically appearing as a hermit to test man's kindness and generosity. And if you believe that one, I have some some seaside property in Utah for sale.

Habits: The Princess is a strange creature, usually solitary, but ocassionally seen with her Asian sidekick: the Dragonette. Every day she waits outside the Royal Oak Police Department for her husband, Prince Charles of Windsor. She believes that the Royal Oak Police are in fact, the Royal Police of England. A common mistake.

Yours truly was once accosted by her whilst reading a news website at a major coffeehouse chain. She asked me if I could look up the phone number of the Prime Minister of Canada on the Internet. I informed her that the odds of him posting his phone number were exceedingly slim. She persisted and I proved to her that Mr. Martin's number was in fact, private.

Common Name: Talent Scout, Crazy Film Director Lady
Scientific Name: Comedia imperfectus
Geographic Range: North Woodward, from 14 Mile to I-696. Easily spotted in coffee houses.

Description: A flightless raptor, the Scout is large and brutish pest, but nothing out of the ordinary appearance-wise. It sports a dumpy, shapeless midsection and often has crumbs and crusts affixed to its triple chin. It is rarely seen without its laptop; a prized object that it seems to stare at but never use.

Habits: The Talent Scout is a crafty and annoying beast. Avoid eye contact and view from a safe distance, preferably inside a bird-watcher's blind. The Scout prefers to prey upon attractive humans, mainly female. It begins with simple flattery, "You look like a movie star," and goes downhill from there.

Here is a transcript of a typical Talent Scout attack:
Talent Scout (TS):"Wow, you look just like a movie star!"
Victim (V): "Me? Why thank you."
TS: "No seriously. Have you ever been in a film?"
V: "Oh no. I was in a high school play. That's about it." [blushes]
TS: "I knew it. You have star written all over you. You know, I am a director and you look like exactly the type of actress I've been searching for in my next production."
V: "Are you—are you serious?"
TS: "You're perfect for the part here's my card I will be starting production this week and you should be there I want you to be there but it's very important that you appear on time because it's very unprofessional to be late and I only work with professionals and professionals always show up for rehearsal on time for the director call so don't be late and what's your name?"
V: "Uh, Karen. What do you mean, I have to be there?"
TS: "Hi Karen. Karen, I need you for this production I want you to be there Karen, but it's very important that you appear on time Karen, because it's very unprofessional to be late Karen, and I only work with professionals Karen, and professionals always show up for rehearsal on time for the director call so don't be late Karen. What was your name again?"
V: "I have to go. NOW."
TS: "Here's my card. Was your name Karen? I'll see you this week. Don't be late. We're shooting on Thursday at 8 pm and you have to be on time."
V: [runs]

Common Name: Honey Smack
Scientific Name: Favus battuo
Geographic Range: Southern Royal Oak through Windsor

Description: The Honey Smack is a medium-sized humanoid, clean and rather quiet. It always wears a leather baseball cap, headphones and more often than not, a pair of sparkly Bootsy X sunglasses circa 1987.

Habits: Honey Smack enjoys his afternoon tea with honey. Lots of honey. He has been observed by this writer consume up to 25 packets of honey in one cup of tea, indicating a possible evolutionary link with the 8-Pump Mocha Yeti. It may the only primate known to prefer to consume hot herbal tea through a straw.

After squeezing honey into his heavily sweetened tea, the Honey Smack will suck the packet until it is devoid of any organic molecules. If the honey is good, and it always is, it will commence with the lip-smacking, from whence its name derives.

Its lip smacking can be heard for quite a distance, in fact, so loud is the smacking that local naturalists wonder the sound is a means of attracting a mate. It won't likely work, as the sound is repugnant to all creatures within a 40 metre range.

Common Name: Bower Boy
Scientific Name: Homo cubili
Geographic Range: Southern Royal Oak

Description: Bower Boy is often mistaken for Marc the Shaman, and there is great heated debates in the local coffee shops over whether these are two separate species, one species with local color strains, or the same species with different plumage changes during the seasons.

Habits: Bower Boy is, as his name suggests, a bower builder. That is to say, he fashions a simple nest on the ground, often complete with walls. This photograph depicts an adult bull Bower that has taken up residence in a local coffee shop. His bower is new and comprised primarily of yesterday's news.

Later on, the bower will include cups, bits of string and other found objects such as cigarette butts, straws, old underwear and used condoms.

Common Name: Receipter, Scary Receipter Man, Backpack Man
Scientific Name: Homo emptum
Geographic Range: Southern Royal Oak, particularly the Main and 3rd Starbucks where he often performs his rituals.

Description: Somewhat nondescript as freaks go, the Receipter is fairly clean and does not omit any offensive musks. The Receipter is tall, gaunt and bipedal, with long arms and a rolled ski cap, present even in July. Look for overstuffed pouches and sacs below the waist. These are used to store receipts and small invoices.

An important characteristic to note is dentition. The teeth are nearly black and as gnarled as willow roots. They are a necessary aid in distinguishing the Receipter from more common species like the Jim Pockets, who is merely toothless.

Backpacks, duffel bags and pockets are important to the Receipter, which carries with it enough luggage to start a roadside museum. The backpack alone is large enough to hide a quarterhorse.

Habits: The Receipter is solitary, but noisy; introverted but with exaggerated motions and seems unafraid to carry on bizarre rituals in full view of large crowds.

As mentioned before, it is painfully aware of its wretched dentition and will hold its paw in front of its face while talking or ordering a coffee. It prefers to order plain coffees and drink them from demitasse cups meant for espresso shots. This may be to minimize the chance of its teeth actually being seen.

The Receipter, as its name implies, carries with it thousands of receipts, dating back several decades. Yellowed, torn and weather-beaten though they are, the Receipter cannot part with them and always requests one when ordering a coffee. As it does not work or pay taxes, it is difficult to imagine what the Receipter plans to do with them. We are reminded however, that the ways of the Faeries Folke are unusual to us and they often imitate human behavior.

Of paramount importance to the Receipter are its magickal rituals. It always carries books by ceremonial magicians, yogis, mathematicians and New Age crackpots. No ritual is too unimportant to not be embarked upon immediately, and the Receipter will gladly delight crowds by standing and praying, attacking invisible demons and its classic ritual: the Table Press.

No one has ascertained the purpose of the Table Press, however it does seem to resemble the laying of hands seen in Victorian parlor seances. We are pleased to present the only known photograph of this ritual taking place.